AJ's Piece o' The Web

If you love fast food, nature hates you -- part 1

So, I pulled up behind a white SUV at the McDonald's drive-thru. The lady driver rolls her window down and immediately starts with the "uhhhh" and the "ummm". What is it about women and fast food? They never know what to order until it's their turn. Do they not know what's on the menu? Are they waiting to hear the day's specials?  Is she asking if the Filet-O-Fish in season?  Is she wondering what a Quarter Pounder weighs? Does she need a soft drink sommelier to help her pair the correct Hi-C flavor with her Big-N-Tasty Value Meal?

Men automatically know what they want when it's their turn to order. I have discovered why. Men keep fast food menus (and locations) in RAM. That is, we can recall this information instantaneously. As soon as I enter a KFC, Popeye's, White Castle, In-And-Out or McDonalds, I know what I'm having. The information is accessed very quickly.

When it comes to fast food, men can perfom many calculations per second, cross referencing past dining experiences and merge this data against realtime restaurant research: "I had a Arby's Beef-N-Cheddar in Phoenix back in 04 which was excellent. But I see a few of those on the rail which could be cold. Better to go with an Arby's French Dip which they will have to make from scratch and is served with gravy on the side that will easily rehydrate any stale bread. For side order, I'd really like Potato Cakes, but the mexican girl working the fry station has been giving me the eye so I might be able to smile at her and get a few extra Curly Fries out of it. Also, my wife is going to order a Santa Fe Salad because she wants to be healthy, thus I will need an EXTRA order of Curly Fries to compensate for all the fries she steals from me."

As a man, I performed all those processes in RAM in under a second. I had my order worked out before my gal got to the first apostrophe on the menu. That's because men store fast food information in RAM. (We also keep car models, sports statistics and sexual positions in RAM -- but that's another post.)

Oh, I'm not saying women are less intelligent than men. They also have and use RAM. They just use it for different data.

Women keep anniversaries in RAM. They keep baby names in RAM. They keep celebrity gossip in RAM.

Fast food menus are not stored this way with women. When she reads the menu, it's as if it's the first time she's ever encountered it. She needs to read the entire menu all the way through (twice) before ordering. And she can only do this when it's her turn to order. The time she spends waiting on line is better spent thinking about other things (like anniversaries, baby names and celebrity gossip).

Once she finally orders her food, this information is completely purged from her memory. I'm sure you've noticed this phenomenon. In fact, when she digs through the crisp, recyclable paper bag searching for her snack, you might even hear her ask, "What did I order?" Naturally, you can recite the precise details of her lunch back to her immediately and verbatim.

To which she'll reply: "That's not what I ordered."

(Sigh)

Housecleaning

I'm attempting to clean things up around here and maybe become a bit more active (don't hold me to it). I have flushed my blogroll.

Yep. Flushed. Don't feel insulted that I'm no longer linking to you. I *want* to link to you. It's just that a good amount of my links were dead. If you're not dead, shoot me an email and I'll re-add you to my site.

I've got a couple of posts coming. In the meanwhile, here's some good reading.

So, add me to your reader. I recommend Google Reader.

Keeping it pithy.

We all know that I don't use this blog to pontificiate politically. Personally, I find politics very interesting and political blogs very boring.

However, I get annoyed when pundits try to create political controversy where none really exists. The other day, Rosie O'Donnell used some of her science background to describe how the 9/11 attack must have been an inside job:

"Miraculously, the first time in history steel was melted by fire. It is physically impossible."

Um... how do you think they make steel?

Shaken to reality.

Every so often an event happens to someone you know that shakes you to your core. This event happens and it makes you take a moment, hold your breath and look up at the sky and thank God for all He has given you. This event makes you apologize to the Big Guy for not checking in as often as you should -- but knowing it's all good in the hood upstairs.

This event happens and it makes you want to call up your mom, dad, little brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, old friends and tell them, "I don't say it enough. I love you guys."

This event happens and it makes you realize how selfish you are. How menial your problems are. How much you complain about "problems" that aren't really problems at all -- but selfish inconveniences. You shouldn't sweat the small stuff.

This event happens and makes you realize how, in an instant -- without warning or apology -- fate can step in and suddenly everything is ... just gone.

What to do.

If you're new here, you should start by reading here.

I haven't had much time or energy to write lately. A few projects have been sapping my energy. I still read *your* blog though. Yep, and I read *yours*, too.

But not yours.

Sorry.

Inches.

I came *this close* to hosting my own show on Lifetime. *THIS CLOSE*. I was the production company's first choice. I was the network's second choice.

Guess who won?

Uh huh.

The man.

Ah well. I've got a fantastic new agent and management team behind me. 2007 is looking good.

Gonna try and write more here. But, yeah, I've said that before.

Love you, miss you, mean it.

A quick hello.

Howdy, folks--

There's a lot going on and I'm hoping to have some good news in a few days. In the meanwhile, I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of my ever-growing household.

This is Dominio:

I love hot fish.

HOT FISH. Yep, that's the HOT FISH truck.

I happened across this gem during my St. Louis / East Alton adventure.

Who was the marketing consultant on this one? They have taken something good and made it sound kinda gross. Hey, I love hot fish. Give me a baked bass or fried flounder filet and I'm in hog heaven. But I wouldn't call it "hot fish." I wouldn't walk in the door and say, "Honey, I've got a hankering for some hot fish tonight, how 'bout you?"

It's all about sales.

Take, for example, "wet meat." I also love wet meat. Pulled pork, beef brisket, lamb stew, etc. But if someone came cruising down the pike with a "wet meat" truck, you can be sure as sirloin that I'd keep away from it. "Sticky Poultry" and "Pork n' Juice" are also to be avoided.

So, East Altoners (Altonites?)... you have to learn to "sell the sizzle, not the steak."

That's my gem for the day.

The VLOG returns!

Return of the VLOG!

I recorded this early this morning in East Alton, IL.

Don't ask.

Just watch. (15MB .MOV)

Life and Death of a Pumpkin