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September 05, 2005



Heh heh heh... unfortunately, physically the frump sounds like me (stops to straighten out pony tail), but mentally she sounds like the nut who lived next door to my mother. I found out one lovely morning that the nutjob was leaving huge arrays of food for any and all animals to feast in her yard, adjoining ours on a ravine.

She attracted rats. Big, well-fed rats. And they took up residence in my mom's shed. My mom was blind, so she did not see the neighbor hand feeding rats in the yard.

I did. I remember dropping a full cup of coffee and screaming when I saw a bunch of them holding their own Jug Band Christmas extravaganza on our backyard wood pile. I had to go grab my mom's dog before she became rat brunch...

Let's just say that Madame PETA had a tizzy fit with me when I called animal control and cheered on the other neighbors who came by to shoot the rats. The neighbor was actually sobbing and beating against door calling me "satanic" for declaring a Vermin Jihad.

Then, she was eventually bitten by a rat. And fined by the city. And she sent my mom a Hallmark card with a note saying that maybe feeding the rats "wasn't a very good idea." Nice.


By the way, that fanschmabulous headdress in your photo is on sale this week at Hancock Fabrics: http://www.hancockfabrics.com/jump.jsp?itemID=19433&itemType=PRODUCT

Gawd bless the Internet.


AJ, There is room for all God's creatures.....
right next to the MASHED POTATOES


That's f'ing hilarious! I swear the same crow was here outside my window on the East coast before it made its way to your apt. This same morning! Oy.

My dad yells and claps at crows in the yard to scare them away All. The. Time.

I'm an animal lover too, but come on, crows? They're doing fine. Tell her to go shed some tears at the Tar Pits.


Merujo-- If I catch a neighbor feeding RATS around here, that will real ugly real fast.

Lucky-- You made my stomach growl.

Claire-- Take your crow BACK. If it doesn't sound like Dom DeLuise, I don't want it near my house. (obscure?)


Reading this post was like looking into the face of God, and seeing him smiling back warmly and hearing him say, "You are my most wondrous creation."

/Used to work as a butcher.
//Hates animal rights activists.


Not too obscure.




Jennifer Lankenau

Seriously...that's the funniest damn thing I've read in a while. After this weekend, i needed it. Thanks, man.

PETA? Please.


I was never much of a Dom DeLuise fan (though I'm all about his sons' work on SG1), so perhaps too obscure for me.

And who am I to thwart a crow's Hollywood dreams? We've got plenty more here.


D-- You worked as a butcher?? That reminds about something I've been meaning to post. Hmmm...

Helena-- Gold Star for you. :-)

Jennifer-- Sounds like you're working TOOOOO many hours again.

Claire-- You've got to watch the Canonball Run movies. CLASSIC!


First of all, the title about made me fall out of my chair. lol
and then this jewel... "Yeah, I am. I'm also hungry and I look great in black.".
The blank stare on her face, that I see in my mind, is just so perfect.
Bravo. Now go take a nap.

OC Girl

Swear. To. God.

That crow was outside of my window this morning wailing away as I mumbled curses under my breath and stumbled, headache pounding, to slam my window shut.

*That* crow made me love my sparklies.



Special Sauce


In FL we had chickens. Everywhere. Specifically roosters. Loud. Obnoxious. Crowing. Roosters.

My neighborhood was relatively free from the bastards, but we always had that lone rooster, that little maverick bastard who decided to stake out MY house, and crow at 7:00 on a Saturday morning after a night of heavy drinking.

I did learn to make really good fried chicken though.*

*Ok, not really.


LOVE this post, AJ - seems this is an international menace. I too am an animal lover (seems we all are...). With one exeption: (http://arareview.blogspot.com/2005/07/poop-evidence.html ).

That said, I don't feel inclined to shampoo your ehm... area.

But I might as well tell you: this particular evil crow only lives to pester us all simply because I don't own a slingshot.

There, I SAID it - feels good to let go of that little secret: I want to kill that goddamn crow - I'm gonna go yell it out from the highest mountain - I feel liberated!

PS! I also love the way you responded to "madam PETA". I only wish I had the guts to do something like that - I salute you for it!


I laughed my ass off reading this post (and the comments).

I imagine the look on the frumpy woman's face was something like the look on my sister's face when she showed me her pet mice and I said, "Damn, you paid money for those vermin? If I knew you wanted mice I'd have saved you one of the ones living in my wall. I killed at least six last month. . . . They were cuter than yours, too."


OMG...I busted up reading that:
1. PETA? Was she serious or did she just forget her meds that day?
2. Head dress: classic
3. Crows always mock me..... they are from the devil!

funny entry!

your new bloggin friend Jules

Magazine Man

Oh, thank you. I needed a laugh (even though i have pneumonia and can barely breathe).

I should send you my dog. He knows how to handle birds.


Just don't tell that busybody. Imagine calling PETA on you! And just cos you gave some bird the, er, clap.


This post is much funnier after our...err....discussion over the nutritional value of eating rabbit.

WHICH, by the way, has my clients very upset.


With a title "Animal Loves Should Shampoo My Crotch" how could I not read what that was all about! VERY VERY funny! That lady needs to get laid!


OCG-- When don't you blow my mind?

Sauce-- Chickens are DELICIOUS. How did you not capitalize on that? At least you could have thrown KFC buckets everywhere to imply: "I could..."

Rarity-- My crotch is quite clean, thank you. I was merely paraphrasing Melvin Udall (Jack N.)

Rabbit-- It was DEF a Kodak moment.

Jules-- She was VERY serious. A little TOO serious, I think. Welcome to the blog... I hope you check it out from time to time...

MM-- You're the master. Your puns are *not* lost on me, sir. :bows, not worthy:

Goddess-- Red meat is an aphrodisiac. Of this I have no doubt. Bunny is especially arousing.

Appleshell-- Your answer to EVERYTHING is "needs to get laid." Love that about you. ;-)


I'm going to get a super soaker for the dogs up stairs, maybe you should get you one too...for the lady not the bird!


"You're a HORRIBLE person!"

"Yeah, I am. I'm also hungry and I look great in black."

Genius comeback! See, now I wouldn't have thought up something like that until the next day in the shower when it would have been too late.

Speaking of PETA, I saw a bumper sticker the other day for "PETA: People for Eating Tasty Animals." I'm not only an animal lover but a vegetarian so I should find it offensive but I can't help but find it funny. When you get the indian headress, put it on, go over to her place, and invite her to the "other" PETA meeting.


Stacy-- I need that super soaker for the INSANE SQUIRREL POSSE in my courtyard... but that's a WHOLLLLE other post. (And will need to be an audblog for full effect)

Lizzie-- I wasn't trying to be genius. I was just annoyed. I'm the nicest guy in the world: AFTER coffee. Before coffee, I cannot be responsible for my actions.

I have no problem with veggies like you. I'm also glad that PETA exists. BUT, I don't want politics FORCED ON ME. As such, I don't impose my views on anyone else. (Except those who read this) ;-)



Bang! Fuck, it's dead!

And tasty.

It's dead and damn tasty on my plate of vittles.

Buildings burn, people die but a truly good meal lasts forever.

I bet PETA lady is gonna show up on your doorstep wearing mime make-up and wielding a katana with your name on it. When she does, take a picture cause that would be funny.


Way to go, A.J.

Maybe instead of "I just clapped" , she thought you said "I gave it the clap." Animal rights people have dirty minds when it comes to animals.

I downloaded your voice over reel. I work at a TV station in South Florida as the director of televison programming and creative services. Your stuff is great.

One question...are you the voice on Best Buy's phone system too? You sound a lot like that guy I was forced to listen to as I went through their version of "phone jail."

Thanks for visiting my blog. I love the movie Network too. It's such a rip on the industry and I know people like everyone in that movie. We are all crazy as f*ck for doing this but hey, I love TV...good TV, bad TV, it doesn't matter. I can watch color bars and be happy. It's in the blood I guess.

Good luck with your career. Keep in touch. Mind if I link to your blog?



Link away, Lee. I'll do the same.

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