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September 28, 2005



Have you ever seen a squirrel spinner? Hours of family fun from when I grew up in the country. It's this balanced pole with a corn cob attached at the end and it is wound tight so that when the squirrel crawls out to the end to get the corn his weight causes it to go into motion and as it spins faster he holds on tighter and that makes it go even faster until...whomp...whomp...whomp...zip...tang!
Mr Big Nuts goes flying...none the worse for wear but a little dazed. You can probably get on one Ebay.


Nothing says "I hate you, you little evil creature" more than a hucked Duracell D-battery.


The entire time I was reading this entry Kenny Loggins' song "I'm alright" speed skated through my head. I even pcitured the critter doing drunken dancing.

It made me laugh.

I needed that.

Thanks, AJ.


Squirrels are the loudest-ass creatures around! I have one that lives in my backyard and is ALWAYS waking me up. ALWAYS. I hate the thing and I am totally gonna use my hose the next time I hear it. Female companion or not... that squirrel needs to shut up!
You made me laugh btw... Thanks!


The only squirrel I ever really got to observe was a couple of years ago. He crawled from the sidewalk onto someone's balcony, and promptly proceeded to poop his little squirrel poop all over it. I was thinking how mystified I'd be if I came onto my balcony and saw the tiny turds. I'd probably pick one up, trying to figure out what it was. Ever since, I'm wary of squirrels. And anything that might be mini-poo.

Also, the image of you feeding acorns into your stuffed cheeks is the best thought I've had all day.


Oh, and is that Abraham Lincoln?

Special Sauce

PETA lady probably wouldn't like it, but I think you need a squirrelskin cap. And if you could get the little (ok, ginormous) nuts to hang down in front somehow, so much the better...


Lee-- I might look into that. You reminded me of this Internet classic: http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/page.cgi/squirrel-launch

Dariush-- I was trying to avoid violence, but I'm being pushed to my limits. And the fact that he has TREMENDOUS genitals only fuels the fire.

Groonk-- I should have posted that song along with this post! (Still might)

Kelly-- I wish I had access to a hose here. That would be perfect!

Helena-- "When in doubt, assume it's poo." Words to live by. And you're dead for that stuffed-cheek reference. ;-)

Sauce-- The cap is a GREAT idea. Not sure about the nuts... I'll have to sleep on them-- it. Sleep on IT.

ms. sizzle

my dog is wild for squirrels. imagine your big nutted squirrel and a hyper border collie echoing each other in psychotic screaching harmony over and over and over.

this is why i am not right in the head.

i feel your pain.


Two words: Super Soaker. That's what my mom always used to chase the damn raccoons off our deck. (They liked to chew through the mesh walls. Bastards.)

The squirrels here in Maryland chirp and chuckle all the bloody time. I had a couple of mallards waddle through my yard one day, and I ended up throwing them a few Premium Low Sodium saltines. (Low Sodium saltines. That's such a joke.) Up pops this friggin' squirrel who sees the crackers, and he goes totally postal, shrieking at me until he gets one. Big mistake. Jackass sat on my balcony for the rest of the day, hanging on the window screen and berating me.

Worse, though, are the birds that have nested inside a vent right outside my bedroom window. They start flapping and chirping and crapping on the screen around 5:30 in the morning. I like animals, but I kinda wish death on these guys.

Love your audio. Hilarious that the squirrel came through so loud and clear. Maybe you can buy a set of these (www.bumpernuts.com) and wing 'em at him. That'd show him who really had the brass ones. (Or the stainless steel ones, at least.)




Sizzle-- Oh god. I couldn't even imagine. My recently departed (sniff) shepherd-collie used to keep the yard quite squirrel-free.

Merujo-- BUMPER NUTS?? OH MY GOD, Merujo.

FFF-- Muah.


I was thinking there might be a connection between the incessant screeching, huge nuts and chafing tree bark... I don't know?

As usual, very funny post AJ - you're an excellent writer.


Used to have loud screechy bird in garden, made a hacking like noise. I shot him with a waterpistol on a regular basis. He went away. Water pistol was left over from fancy dress party where friends and I went as presidential bank robbers from Point Break. Every guy should have a waterpistol.


I'm with Merujo--super soaker.

Good luck!


hehehe. You said stat.

The squirrels round hear are so loud I've tuned them out.


The best part of this story was "I've got thumbs, bitch! Game on!" Ah yes, the one advantage a person has over a well-hung rodent, the opposable thumbs.


Rarity-- You could be right. He may just have a scratched scrotum.

Gordon-- Yeah, Super Soaker seems to be the way to go.

Naiah-- Another Super Soaker vote. I'm heading to Toys R Us today.

Goddess-- I've never been married so I haven't yet perfected the art of tuning out certain noises. ;-)

Arm-- You're the king of the zingers, so that's quite a compliment!

Magazine Man

AJ, I have a water gun somewhere in the basement of crap. Didn't list it, but it's yours if you want it. All I ask is a vlog of the ensuing mayhem.

So the squirrel's got a Mrs.? No wonder he's so, er, teste...


I'm glad that laughing out loud (alone) is acceptable now. That is the cutest and funniest story I've read lately! Please don't throw a rock at him ... sounds like he's got enough problems!


I know why you were annoyed, and it wasnt the noise he was making...it was that you were jealous of how endowed he is.

It's okay. you can't have everything.


I just kept thinking...PETA...pETA...Peta....as I scanned down the blog.... Watch out for her. You know she's watching through her curtains....Oh and by the way I picture Marge from the Hallmark greeting cards when you speak of the Nazi-Peta lady!


MM-- I'm definitely down with the big MM auction.

Nic-- I wouldn't hurt him, Nic. But I am not afraid to soak the little bastard.

Lex-- Yes, I am jealous. And I'm not the only one. I've noticed the lonely housewives in my courtyard watching him longingly...

Jules-- Oh, I kept an eye on for Peta lady. Which reminds me, I still have to buy that black feather hat.


AJ. Best blog post ever man. I spit my coffee out through my nose. I also got a little hot thinking about that squirrel's nuts.


Maybe you should have thrown water on the lady squirrel. Perhaps for that moment of amusement, your loud little friend would have shut up.

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