Diarrhea. Deception. Disaster.

This happened some time in the recent past.

Ruby Tuesday, again? (sigh) What can I do though? This is Long Island, land of chain restaurants and strip malls. I would prefer my unique hole-in-the-wall Thai joint but then most of the group will complain. "Thai food? Like, from Thai Land?" (sigh) And so Ruby Tuesday it is. It's the only place we'll agree on. I won't complain. A rack of spicy ribs always suits me fine and I'll do some serious damage at that salad bar. I've already hungrily spied a bucket of tri-color noodle salad.

An aloof, teen-aged hostess seats us and then we are greeted by "Marc with a C" who will be "taking care of us this evening". He pulls up a chair and giggles today's "featured items". That's annoying. Don't sit. Don't force your funny on me. Don't perk it up. Keep it simple and friendly. Just give me competent, prompt, professional service and I guarantee you I'm your best tip of the night. Lose the shtick. We send Marc-with-a-C off to fetch us some Oniony appetizers and two-for-one margaritas.

Suddenly a tremor from deep within my stomach: GURGLE. CRAMP. CHURN. CRAMP.

Uh oh. Something is happening in my gastrointestinal tract. Something bad. Is it my system protesting the vast amounts of grease I'm about to ingest? Or maybe it's the funky sushi I had for lunch. Whatever it is, it's going to need to be dealt with stat. I excuse myself and head to the head.

Discomfort builds as I trot toward the restroom. My pace quickens with each step. Pain is coming in waves now. Mentally, I'm timing the contractions and trying to avoid any other analogies to childbirth like "crowning" or worse: "my water broke".

I burst into the bathroom. Empty. Ah, excellent. I'm going to need privacy for this. In a frenzy, I dive into the farthest stall and quickly scope things out. Pretty damn clean in here. The toilet seat is uncharacteristically devoid of typical male splatter and other repugnancies. Smells nice, too. Good, good, good.

I start unraveling toilet paper by the foot. Once I have enough slack, I wrap it around my hand over and over and over again. I create a quilted cushiony catcher's mitt. I give the seat a quick wipe. Just in case.

Next, more TP. Hand over hand, I unroll about, oh, three mummies worth. I place it on the seat, covering all plastic. This is our "packed base". I'm working quickly now. Danger lingers. Disaster imminent. Then, a few paper toilet seat covers. Five, actually. Faster, faster. Feeling beads of sweat forming on my forehead, I crisscross the paper seat covers on top the TP base creating soft sanitary strata.

My body is READY. Let's do this! Hurry! Belt. Pants. Down. Sit!

I erupt.

Ahhh. Sweet release. WHEW. While I completely defile the throne, I am pleased that this was a freak incident and I'll be able to enjoy my meal without worry of a messy encore. Good. Noodle salad, here I come.

Then, I hear the door creak open. Damn it. I almost got out of here without -- wait a minute. I hear "clop, clop, clop" across the bathroom floor. Puzzled, I angle my head to get a closer look under the stall:

HIGH HEELS.

Oh no.

Please, oh PLEASE God let her have wandered into the wrong bathroom. Please, I swear that I'll never ask another -- The door creaks again. Is she leaving?? NO! Someone's coming in. Then I hear it: two women having a conversation.

OH.

SHIT.

I feel my face flush then I courtesy flush.

I'm in the bloody ladies room! At Ruby Tuesday! On Saturday night!

My world swirls before me as I try to stave off the panic welling up inside. Now there's a flurry of activity in the restroom. The clatter of ladies shoes on porcelain. They chatter about … well, I don't know. Lady things, I guess.

I quietly finish up my business and - wait.

The conversation disappears out the creaking door. Am I alone?

I stand completely still and listen.

Silence.

Time to move.

I reach for the handle of my stall to unlock it, and then suddenly someone tugs from the other side! Crap!

"Hello?" asks an older lady's voice. "Is someone in there?"

WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo?

Do I answer in falsetto, like Peter Scolari from Bosom Buddies?? NO. WHAT DO I DO?

I know! I flush again.

"Oh, sorry" she says and enters another stall. This is my moment. The eye of the storm.

I explode out of the stall and make for the door. I reach out for the handle - and freeze. I look to my right and sigh. I have to wash my hands. I don't WANT to. I *HAVE* to. Moments ago I fouled that toilet so badly that mid-evacuation I offered it an apology. I must wash.

I pump a squirt of soap, flip the faucet and quickly wash. I spin on my heel toward freedom.

The door opens with that familiar creak and as I pass through, I hold it open for *another* lady walking in. She says "thank you" and eyes me suspiciously.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. NOW.

I take one step away from the Ladies Room and - BAM.

Gino.

My brother Gino, standing before me.

He instantly recognizes the panic in my ashen face. I'm frozen in place. He considers me for a long, uncomfortable moment. Then he looks at the sign on the door behind me. Then back at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Again?" he asks.

I hang my head in shame and reply, "again".

Comments

[Merujo]

I am laughing in a cruel, cruel, yet delighted way.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

[OC Girl]

I. Can't. Stop. Laughing... Sweet Jesus... thank you... thank you for that...

(not Him... you)

[Helena]

At least Sharon Stone wasn't in there.

[sandra]

I had similar gastrointestinal distress earlier today, and had to take care of business in the bathroom at work. I chose the far stall and was rather pleased when it seemed that I was the only person in the bathroom...and then another woman came in and seemed determined to stay in her stall, silent (guessing that she had similar issues). I almost yelled, "I'll out-wait you! I'm not coming out now!"

Ugh.

[always write]

Something similar happened to an ex-boyfriend -- bad seafood, I think -- only he made it to the men's room, then leaned over to flush and dropped his brand-new $500 glasses in the toilet. I'll spare you the rest of the story and skip to the lesson: COURTESY FLUSH; Do it for them, do it for you.

[***melanie***]

Oh, lordy, that's hilarious. Did you know, however that you are killing trees for no good reason? It's been proven that the toilet seat is the cleanest, yes, that's right, most germ-free place in the bathroom. Not only that but there are no know communicable butt diseases, well at least none that don't require entry.

[melina1]

You're lucky you got out of there unscathed pretty much.

Gino's linko isn't working...or is there not really a Gino?

[Chuck]

Yikes, that's a scary story! However, let me tell you this, having worked as a lowly dishwasher in a restaurant when I had to clean both bathrooms before the joint opened...the ladies room is ALWAYS nicer than the mens room. Small comfort, but true.

[Helena]

p.s. I guess "Adorable" runs in the family :P

[HighMaintenanceHussy]

God, I LOVE shitty posts like this! How did you know?

Thanks for stopping by Recreational Use. I won't be a stranger if you won't.

[Rarity]

Ha ha ha!

As if we didn't already know you are a Ladie(')s man ;o)

[Movie Performer]

Your story made me feel like going to the restroom. AJ, I hope everything came out all right.

Hilarious, but I felt sorry for you. Poor baby!

Movie Performer

[Min]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I love this!
And...'again'??? Geez AJ, it was that bad huh?

[jeopardygirl]

My dad went into the ladies' bathroom ONCE by accident on a long family trip 18 years ago. We've never let him forget it. Gotta love family. Of course, if you were referring public intestinal distress, I'm going to feel really stupid.

[LisaBinDaCity]

Did Ruby Tuesday not have a cutesy pic of a guy or gal on the door? Or maybe they did and you couldn't tell the difference? That might have been it, those pics are drawn so poorly it's hard to tell sometime.

AJ, I'm trying to give you a "get out of embarassment free card." Work with me here!

[claire]

We had co-ed bathrooms in college, so if I happen to walk into the ladies room the next time you're there, rest assured I won't feel compelled to attack you with an umbrella. :)

[Dariush]

That's probably worse than being in the men's room in a Tennessee campground and realizing as you leave that the dude who walked in a few minutes ago heard you absent-mindedly quoting The Empire Strikes Back.

The Hoth system is supposed to be devoid of life, after all.

[Jennifer Lankenau]

My husband suffers from the same gastrointestinal maladies as you, though in a state of emergency he has yet to use the ladies room. What an amateur.

You should come to my restaurant. If I sat down at a table I would be fired. AAA would revoke our 4-star rating if we did that shit. We only chat with a table if the conversation is intitated by the guest. You'd love it.

Though if you came in, I would expect nothing less than a 20% tip.

[Dora]

AJ, your story is hillarious! I can just see it happening and the look of utter terror on your face when you realize you're in the wrong place...you must keep your family laughing at you all the time...I have a sister who does stuff like that. I tell her she should write a book...no one would believe it.

[duff]

oh, poor, poor, aj.

*snickers*

not that i'm laughing at your tragic tale of mistaken identity, but....

no wait- i am. i'm laughing pretty hard about it, as a matter of fact.

you have made my weekend.

[Stacy]

"Got a meetin in the ladies room"

[AJ]

Merujo-- It was funny. I agree. But truly panic-inducing at the time.

OCG-- I talked to Jesus AND his Dad throughout the entire ordeal.

Herena-- Haha! I love that story. For those who haven't read it: http://www.poethelena.com/archives/000094.html

Sandra-- Who won the showdown??

AW-- YUCK. He fished out his glasses. I just know it. ACK!!

Melanie-- The toilet seat is the cleanest part of the bathroom?? Maybe in the LADIES room. Have you ever seen a public MEN'S room? We are vile, vulgar, disgusting creatures. With poor aim.

Melina-- There really is. Enjoy the linkage while it's there. If he asks me to unlink, I will have to honor his request.

Chuck-- Yes. It's always true. The lack of urine everywhere should have clued me in. I was oblivious.

Helena-- Eh.

Hussy-- Deal.

Rarity-- I'm NOT. Far from it.

Movie Performer-- Thank you for the sympathy. And thanks for the pun! Ok, I take back my thanks for the pun.

Min-- "Again" meaning... I've made this mistake before. Multiple times. :-|

Jeopardy-- SEE?? It *IS* embarrassing. My brother didn't tell anyone. How cool is he?

Lisa-- I don't remember. I think it said "Ladies" and "Gentlemen". Got confused. Stupid bowel.

Claire-- CO-ED bathrooms?? How did you stand all the dirty boys? Or did you gals henpeck the boys into picking/wiping up after themselves. A little nagging goes a long way.

Dariush-- I would have thought you were cool for quoting ESB. But everyone knows that Wampas and Tauntauns are both indigenous to Hoth. Duh.

Jennifer-- I am a refugee of many years in the service industry, and thus an outstanding tipper.

Dora-- She should write a book! (Or start a blog -- much easier)

Duff-- I feel silly that I'm now a fool in your eyes, but happy to have made your weekend.

Stacy-- Klymaxx??

[Rabbit]

You were going to try to wait until there were no women in the ladies' room? Poor AJ, I can see you still in your stall as the restaurant is closing.

[ms. sizzle]

i.love.this.story.

ha ha ha ha. i needed a laugh. thanks aj!

oh and, someday, will you tell us about the other time that happend? by saying "again" i assume this wasn't your first bathroom mishap...

;) sizz

[claire]

We had a decent cleaning staff and the boys were pretty good actually. I think they knew they couldn't get away with much if they wanted to date us... or anyone we knew.