Among other
things, I'm an actor. But I have a secret: I hate actors.
Yes, that's
kind of a blanket statement. I should say I hate *most* actors. There's a
certain kind of actor that I hate. That "always on, always funny, always
performing" type of actor. We all know people like that, don't we? Loud.
Constantly needs to be the center of attention; the life of the party. Being a
showbiz guy, I'm around people like this *all the time.*
Ok, it's no
secret that *all* actors are needy for attention and approval. That's why we do
it. Hell, that's why bloggers blog. But there is quiet,
put-yourself-out-there-and-hope-people-like-you narcissism (me) and
in-your-face!, look-at-me!, I'm-a-star! narcissism (them).
Example? Of
course. You knew it was coming.
I go to my
voice-over agent, ICM, just about every morning. If you're in The Industry (or
watch Entourage), you know that this agency is the real deal. As such, there
are lots of talented, successful actor-types in every day. The typical morning
goes like this:
1. Arrive
at agency.
2.
Immediately run into their kitchen for FREE and DELICIOUS coffee.
3. Sit in
the green room until an agent notices you.
4. Receive
your scripts for the day. (1, 5, 10 scripts... random)
5. Read
scripts.
6. Wait to
be called and directed into one of four voice booths to read your copy.
7. Voice
the bitch.
8. Ditch
the script and sit back down, reading and waiting to be called to do the next
script.
9. Go back
to Step 6 until you have no more copy left.
10. Refill
your cup of FREE and DELICIOUS coffee.
11. Laugh
at the hand-written sign in the kitchen that says, "Refreshments are not
to be taken home!"
12. Go
home.
Ahhh... if
it were only that simple.
Twixt the
above steps wages a raging battle of mindless chatter and witless banter. An
ebb and flow of comic one-upsmanship that is relentless to the point of maddening.
Example: There
are some voice-over people who can only speak in their “voice-over voice.”
Thus, there are several men who rather than say, “Good morning, AJ”,
greet you with a deep and resonant: “In a
world on the edge of time... One man, alone in a bustling metropolis... An epic
battle of good versus evil. It’s AJ.”
Yes.
Really.
Example: Lots
of comedians (and former comics) in there as well. “Look at these walls. How
blue are these walls? If anal sex with a priest were a color, it would be this
blue right here. And what about this tray of cookies? Who baked these? Alton
Brown’s arch-nemesis from the Food Network’s bizarro alternative universe? Nice
sandals, Walter. Who are you? Jesus? The last time I saw feet like those there
was a tag on the toe.”
Yes.
Really.
For the
most part, all of these people are very nice, very intelligent and very talented
people. Really, they are. But they don’t know how to TURN IT OFF.
I was
chatting with Josh, my manager’s *superhuman* assistant. Josh told me
that one of the things they like about me is that I’m not ALWAYS ON. That’s not
a skill, people. That’s good manners.
Recently (I
won’t say when, lest she be reading), I was trapped in a voice booth with an
actress. We had finished reading our copy and were exiting when she began “riffing”
on the director. Fine. Make with your funny, let’s get outta here, I got 7 more
scripts to get to.
But she
went on and on… funny voices… witty observations… clever anecdotes… none of
which were funny or witty or remotely clever.
But what
can I do?
I have to
stand there with this big fat smile on my face. I’m not going to just walk out.
I’m not an asshole like that. I can’t really laugh because, frankly, I'm not that good of an actor.
She went on
and on. And I can see that the director is wearing the same Bozo-esque smile
that I’m wearing. She's dying to get this lady out of the booth so she can get readings from the 30 actors behind us and get the tape off to the client and then go pee or get coffee or call her boyfriend or whatever: LET'S GO.
Why don’t
people realize this? When I go off on a tangent or tell a story that’s a tad
too long (like this one), I can start to read the faces of my audience. I’ll
suddenly say, “I’m rambling on and on, I’m sorry.” Yeah, you do that, too! Of course you do! You're normal!
But people who are always on can’t do that. They can’t see it. They just have
to perform their shtick.
Everyone
knows that old comedy saying: “Leave them wanting more.”
Every
conversation I have with an actor leaves me wanting less.*
(Present company excluded: Shane, Wil and anyone I work with at ICM who may read this)